Where the magic happens

Rejection is painful. And as an artist I leave myself open for rejection every single time I do anything.  There is no way around it.  I have learned that when it happens  you have to feel it, all of it, every gutting shitty moment of it,  because it will pass.  Everything passes.

Rejection

I just got a rejection letter from 'Pikihuia Short Story Competition" telling me that none of the stories I entered made it through as finalists.   
It was a very nice letter, but the truth is I didn't read it all because the only relevant piece of information I need is "No!!"

The truth

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth of this situation is that I chose this life.  I could have chosen many others.  Lives where nothing much happened in it and I can avoid suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
I chose this one because  fuck it, I want outrageous fortunes. 
Also I didn't have a lot of choice.  Also, I don't have the wardrobe for "Queen of the world!"


Anyway

I feel crap until someone I love, and who loves me says things like 'You're too visionary"... "You are too good a writer they're just jealous"..."People don't understand your genius" ... "Your concepts are too amazing they just went over their heads" 
Wonderful, wonderful things that that make me feel much better. 

This year 

I am simultaneously upset and relieved.  Upset that I was rejected and relieved that I can use my short stories in my own short story anthology that will be coming out this year.  I have been writing for this book for over twenty years.  One of my stories I wrote when I was twenty five, and its still cool.  I can't wait to see them all together, and out in the world.  If it is the last thing I write and have published I will be happy.  Because if you want to me me, as a person, in stories, that is the place.

But rejection is still rejection

Rejection is a cold, tingling, gutting feeling that hollows you out while Love and Joy is warm, feathery and fills you up until you overflow and spill love all over the place, and I much prefer that feeling because I can share it with you.



I don't know why I was rejected.  I will probably never know.  I am okay with that because even if I am told why I am not going to change my work so that it is more likely to be chosen by the powers that be.  All I can do is offer up what I have and if they don't want it, I will get over it.  And it is taking me way less time to get over such things as I get older.
I remember back when the pain of rejection destroyed me, because I  equated being liked with my worth as a person. Well we now know that's complete kak.  99.999999 to the power of infinity people in the world don't even know I exist.

So bit of advice from your old aunty, cousin, friend, mate, mother, wife...never attach your self worth to anything that is out of your control. 

Love Axxxx