Miss Angry Pants

A lot of people know about the five stages of grief according to Doctor 
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  

What they don't tell you is these things do not arrive like trains,  in your psyche's station, one after the other, neatly unloading their passengers and then leaving.  No, no, no,  they are a jumble of fast flying emotional cricket balls, shooting at you at random moments, and the rest of your brain (except your amygdala which has surrendered completely) tries to bat them away before they do too much damage.
Well fuck, put that on the list of things they should have taught you at school.
When I was younger, I remember my mother studying and working with Kübler-Ross, yes the actual Doctor  Elisabeth 
Kübler-Ross, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think I might have met the Doctor when she gave a lecture here.  
Mum took death and dying very seriously as part of her work as a healer.  She helped people through the dying process and she also helped their family through the grief process.  
 She helped me when my second husband David died.  She made me realise that he isn't really gone and that he remains here, in his son Tamati as a vibrant physical force.  Over the years I have come to see that more and more.  A lot of Tamati is made of the substance of his father David, physically and spiritually; he just uses it in a different way.
Right now I am just stumbling through grief.  I have no idea if I'm doing it right.  I have some bug which I don't know if it's a real flu thing or an imaginary one, that I have conjured up because it is so much easier to take care of physical symptoms than emotional or mental ones.  
I've discovered Denial isn't hands over ears, eyes closed, while singing la la la la la la this isn't happening, this isn't happening...it is your body rejecting grief.  
It is a rush of endorphin (or some such bullshitting hormone) splashing through your blood making you feel together and okay at what should be the worst moment of your life.  You feel so okay, that your brain is tricked into,  believing this loss thing ain't so goddamn bad and you are going to be just fine and dandy.
But then the real grief shows up and shouts boo at you from behind and knocks you on your arse.

Then Anger.  And fuck, I tell ya, I am angry.  Really, truly, out of the box harem-scarem angry.  
I am not angry at my mother for dying or anything dumb like that.  (or maybe I am) nor am I  angry at some of the "stuff" that has happened to my family since our Mother passed.  

I am angry at - well - things!!!
  • I am angry at people who do not rinse dishes properly. 
  • I am angry at vacuum cleaners when they sit in the hallway for three days because no bugger except me has noticed them there and I am too bloody minded to finish off anyone-elses chores.
  • I am angry at a 22 year old son who regresses to 12 year old's as soon as he enters their mother's house and never wants to leave.  
  • I am angry at chocolate for being a lot yummier than spinach but no where near as good for me.  
  • I am angry at the internet for being so slow and crap.  
  • I am angry at a husband who think's it's okay to go into work on a long weekend instead of mowing his bloody lawn.  
  • I am angry at butter for being $6,00 a pound, (yes I know that it's technically $5.99 and 500 grams but I'm old get the fuck over it.)  
  • I am angry at trains that go as far as Waikanae and should travel all the way to Otaki so people like me who can't drive and HATE buses, can escape.
  • I am angry at Hapu who won't support other Hapu with claims and instead try to hinder or rip them off.  
  • I am angry at the Judicial system in this country that is weighted so much against Justice the two shouldn't even share the same letters in their names.
  • I am angry at white bread because it is gonna kill me.
  • I am angry at the 'Warehouse' for selling SHIT to people.
  • I am angry at people who actually believe that the only reason they havn't achieved big things is because they haven't tried hard enough. 
  • I am angry at people who just don't try.
  • I am angry at people who say they are going to PHONE ME and don't.
  • I am angry that the Women's refuge and Rape Crisis have to RAISE FUNDS just to operate
  • I am angry that sanitary napkins and tampons are considered a luxury item
  • I am angry at the United States of America for electing a dangerous MORON.
  • I am angry at anyone who has the gall to measure success by net worth.  
  • I am angry at people who spend their time with me staring at their phones scrolling through crap.
Okay, so the first  two stages of grief are definitely underway.

Love Axx.