No, nothing does, damn it...

Ah well, doesn't matter anyway.  I don't do anything perfectly.  I never have.  In the past, however,  I lived in a delusionary world where I could be perfect if only I  'tried harder'

Total bollocks.   Also, I thought I was not allowed to fail.  Another bunch of bull.

I now know that I am not only allowed to fail but we should fail.  If we didn’t, we'd get stuck doing crap we don't want to do for yeeeeeeeeeeeeears and yeeeeeeeeeeears, not because we love it, but just because we're good at it. I’ve been good at a lot of things in my lifetime, but I have never been great.

 I'm a good mother.  But not a great one. I was and still am too mental for that.  (But my kids are all fantastically amazing.  I have no clue how that happened.)

They got through childhood and adolescence in one piece.  None of them are in major therapy ( that I know of). They all have passions, and a goodly amount of talent, self-esteem and intelligence to get them  to where they want to go...wherever that may be...but I think they were born with all that...I just tried not to muck it up as they grew up.    

Im a good artist. I am not a great one.

 I've seen great and I have met people who produce great.  I have friends who ooze greatness from their pores.  I have also been lucky enough to exhibit alongside them, and am very very happy when my piece is not hung right next to theirs.  

I’m a **** writer....(see can't even bring myself to write *good*)  Not a great one.  When there are people like Barbara Kingsolver, Stephen King and JK Rowling in the world, I can scape by with an oooooooooooookay and feel really good about it.

If I could,  I would edit and polish a piece of writing until it was transparent and gleamed like the sun.  But I can’t, because I don't get that choice.  EVER!!!  The thing is, if I did, nothing I wrote would ever be published.    I never think it is good enough.   There is a point, however, you have to let it go or what you have created will never see the light of day.   That’s when my publisher wrests it out of my deathly grip and spirits it away.    
They have to.

Being a writer and an artist and trying to believe in what you do enough to keep plodding on, day after day...and if you believe that your worth and ability is directly reflected in the money you're gonna make........hahahahaha you are f*cked.


It never gets easier.......but if you can do what you want when you's always great.
Lots of love, arohanui, Oliviaxxxxxx