Oh my fecking God.  Time hasn't just flown, I feel like I've been in stasis (Red Dwarf reference) clicked my fingers and its six months later.  No shit sherlock, that is honestly how it seems. 
I don't even know if the last time I wrote something in here is was six months ago, it could be eighteen.  Time is a foreign concept when you are over sixty, chunks pass like icebergs.

Whanau Birthday

So last week on the 13th and 14th of June was my dads birthday, 88 and my brothers 56. (To tell the super honest truth, inside my head my brothers are fifteen years old, and my sister is twelve)
On saturday night, 17th Immediate family is now at least 20 people and that is without my sister and her kids who were all working,  It was awesome and in Lower Hutt which is another country since we moved to  Kapiti.  But, with the new roads it took us feck all time to get there and get home.  We went to 'Gr8 Tandoori'  which is, in 80's parlance, the bomb.  Food, Service, Decor, in that order were the bomb diggidy (there is nothing wrong with the 80's baby).  We has a cake with one candle on it, and let dad blow it out.  If we'd put all the candles on that would be 200, ffs.


Us at the restaurant, well them, my dad and my brother and some of his chillens.  

We don't all get together often, because they are all busy and feck and I live on the other side of the universe (Otaki) and I honestly cannot drive to wellington any more, my driving anxiety is un-freekin-believable. 
It is a catch 22 situation, I should drive more and then I would have less anxiety, but the thought of driving on motorways terrifies me, 
 Now I have not always been this way, I used to drive all over the motu.  I have driven through auckland ffs and used to drive  to and through wellington,  all the time.  That was then, this is now.  Now I won't even drive to Levin and that is up the road in a straight line with no turns or Paraparaumu which is the same, but in the other direction. 
I know, ridiculous. 

Crappy feelings

I am trying my best to not fall into SAD this winter.  Seasonal Affective Disorder sucks, it is such a stupid arse thing to have, feeling crappy, on top of being freezing cold.  I am so glad I got diagnosed though, at least I know what it is now.  There is nothing worse than feeling down and having no reason for it, that just makes you feel crazy. 
My life is so great, and I am so grateful for it.  But everyone's life has struggles ay. I am not alone there.
It has been a hard year.  We've had loss and sadness and fear,  but mine is nothing compared to some others.   
Ive kind of lost my way a bit.  Things that I thought were so important have fallen by the wayside.  I have been trying to figure out what I want to do and as I said, time is slipping by in massive chunks. 
There is a saying, 'the more I know, the more I realise I know nothing'. I know someone amazing said that, but I can't remember who.  It's true, I used to be sure of things, and now I am not sure of anything.
So even though I am trying not to, Ive been a bit down, which is something that I have to be okay with it.  There are no ups without downs right.  

Dreams and Schemes. 

What am I doing???  Not a lot or too much, depending on who is looking at me. 

I am in the garden for anywhere from half an hour to 3 hours, every day.  In the winter I like to feed the birds.  That gets me out of bed in the  morning. My cat loves that I feed the birds because she treats the bird feeders like a smorgasboard.  
I  love lots of colour in the garden and of course in the winter it is a bit blaaaaah as well as a boggy muddy yuk.  In winter I especially love violas, violets and cyclamen.  I have them in pots all over the garden putting some much needed pizazz around the place.  I have been writing quite a bit, and entering short story competitions, and working on manuscripts that I wrote years ago and doing arty stuff.  I'm absolutely obsessed with old jewellery lately and making things out of it like chandeliers and mirrors.  

One of my bedroom lights


If you know me, you know that I am not a sociable person in the usual sense.  I am funny and high energy and all that good stuff in company but that isn't actually me.  That is the face in the jar by the door that I put on as I leave the safety of my house.  (Beatles reference, Eleanor Rigby) That is the person that I freak out about, was I too loud, did I talk to much, did I piss anyone off, was I obnoxious, did I laugh too loud, was I too much?????
I don't know. 
Because I am in a state of such high anxiety I don't have a clue what I am saying until it tumbles out of my mouth.  I get away with it most of the time.  All the other times my Scotty too Hotty is there to save my arse.  
I am not alone in this AT ALL. 
 I know a lot of people who do the same thing, and get away with it, barely.  Or are tongue tied silent frightened lovies who stand in the corner and hope to feck no one talks to them. 
To be honest, I do not think it is normal to be shoved into close contact with crowds of people.  It seems weird.  While in the supermarket I look around thinking, what the feck has happened to us.  We are all frantically trying to get what we want while clambouring around a crowd of people trying to get what they want with great metal baskets thrust out in front of them.  Its like when you have to negotiate the parking lot afterward. 
 Stress that's wasit is, stress.  There are those out there that love that sort of thing.  They are probably the same people who bungee jump or  white water raft for fun.
I used to spend hours, days, weeks trying to come up with excuses not to go places, now I just say, "No thanks."


We are renovating our bathroom.  It is a long loooooooooooong process, I am going to be tiling the walls and this is a first time I've done it, so I am trepidatious.as feck.  Wish me luck.  I'll get back to you with the results.  It will make me do another blog. 

Cheers ears