The writer's blog

On Sunday April 30th my mum died, and that is the biggest shock to my life, but sorry folks, right now the pot is too stirred up and I can't write about it, I have a hard time talking about it, and the only people I do talk to about it for any length of time are my Husband, my siblings, my father and my kids.  Not ready. not ready, not ready.

 Unlike 'Norah Ephron's 'everything is copy' byline, which she reneged on totally when it came to her own dying and death, there is stuff that will stay inside for ever, maybe popping up like tiny shimmery bubbles in my future books.

If there are any future books because right now I an blocked with a great big nail hammered through my head.  Nothing is working.  No creative juices are juicing, my words are not flowing, up, down, in, out or around.  I can't put anything to paper.  Even my shopping lists require the help of editors.  I don't know if it is permanent which sucks for all those people hanging out for the next novel and me because writing is 'Who I am" and 'What I do', or just an aberration because of the where I am right now.  I don't know.  By the way for all those out there, notice I make it sound like millions, the third novel has already been written and edited, I have to do the last read through and edit.  Yes there are a lot of edits on a book, lots and lots.

What I will say about my mother is this.  In the week before my mother died I thought I was going to die.
Horrible things were happening to me.  I had been sick for years.  My thyroid, Graves Disease, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, Anemia, Arthritis, you name it this poor body went through it, and that was on top of the fact I am Bi-Polar which brings along its own kettle of deformed fish.  
On the Tuesday before she died I had a vision.  It was so clear and profound  I really really really know it happened
It was 4am, I got up to go for a mimi then got back into bed.  I was wondering whether to go back to sleep or stay up and write when the room just filled with this weird goldy green light and wind was blowing in my face.  It felt like I was flying but I was sitting in bed and I could see the land, mountains, valleys, trees, everything moving beneath me as if I was soaring and hundreds of miles an hour.  But like I said, I was sitting in bed.  But then It was like I was lifted out of my heavy, painful, aching body and it was glorious.  Not only was their no pain, my mind was clear, no mess, my jumble of fears, no voices mumbling, NO NOTHING.  My mind was as clear as a bell and I.  My first thought was WOW I'm dead and this is AWESOME.  
Then I turned around and my late husband David walked in through the gold green light and said, 'You ready?'
I was like "But what about Tama, what about my books, what about Scotty?" (Yes even in this time of the reckoning Tama and my Books come first, Sorry Scotty) 
David hugged me and shrugged and he walked into the brightest part of the light. And I could feel other people in that light, standing there, waiting.
On the Wednesday before I went to my doctor and told her I felt like I was dying.  I had a reoccurring bladder infection which, if you are a lady, you know how horrible that is, I was exhausted, and in so much pain I could hardly move, my heart hurt, I was getting migraines because my blood pressure was so high and now it looked as if I had started having seizures where I would just open my eyes to find myself on the floor.  One of them happened when I was hanging the clean shower curtain and I hurt my back.
 Then I told her about the vision.

My doctor listened to what I said and told me 'Well you certainly do have an amazing imagination, that's why you're a good writer. (I forced her to read my first novel)  Then she suggested I may like to return to the anti psychotics that I weaned myself off in 2007, I declined.  But she said she monitor me for the next two weeks and ring to see how I was doing,
Mum died on Sunday night.
Three days later every ache, every pain, my addiction to Sugar, my headaches, my chest pains, my exhaustion, my mental issues, every single thing had gone.
My blood tests are clean, I will always have issues with my thyroid as it has been zapped by radiation and no longer works, but everything else has gone and more go every day that passes.  Its got to the point that I have to watch myself because I want to go for long walks but my muscles, after years and years of inactivity, are getting pissed off and seizing up saying to itself "What the fuck are you doing?"  

There are many things people can say about this and I don't give a fuck about any of them.  I know what I know.
My Mum is out there helping me and everybody else.  Because she is free now and she can do whatever the heck she wants too.