Hot sweaty flushes and the inability to make a cogent decision....that is me, about 150 times a day now.  Yay menopause, you mutha fucka. 
I am sitting on my bed with a fan blasting me with chilly air trying not to pass out.

This is me ...


It has been months and months since I've blogged anything and the reasons are many...
I have been working very hard (no I haven't)
I have been totally snowed under (no I wasn't)
I am overwhelmed (Yes I am), but just by life...silly every day things that most people take in their stride. 
What has been happening is ...
I've lost all motivation to write anything new, or finish something that I've already started, and I have started many many stories...
My thyroid is hurting, which is weird because I don't have one any more, it got burned to a crisp by radiation around 7 years ago so what the feck is that about...
I am getting a mammogram and the thought of maybe having cancer is freaking me the hell out...
I had a job or two from November to a few weeks ago when Covid finally got way, way, way too close for comfort and I decided to lock myself up in my home until I feel safe again, which may or may not happen because the last two years have been hella scary even though I am vaxed and boosted up the wazoo,  
 I feel cornered by crooks from all directions these days.  Try and stop scammers getting a hold of your phone number or wheedle their way into getting you to add them on facebook by pretending to be people we love for feck sakes.  
Try to get the Youtube algorithm to stop loading my playlist with idiotic young people who think they know the secret of the universe even though they have been on this earth for five fecking minutes.   Kale and living in a van is not the answer.
I'm not really a relaxed person to start off with and I do try not to judge anyone at all,  I really can't be arsed with it, you do you, but ffs what am I supposed to do about global warming, I re-use, re-purpose and recycle, I haven't eaten a steak in twenty fecking years, come on...losing the arctic icefloes are not  my fucking fault.
 Big business are making billions off the back of this pandemic, hullo amazon and foodstuffs...wtf you feckers.
Those bs'tards and greedy toddlers fighting over the the biggest piece of cake ...  I have no idea where I was going with that analogy apart from the fact I haven't had a piece of cake for a long...loooong freekin time.  We don't even get to lick the icing off the spoon.
The truth is that we are controlled all the feckin time by money.  The corporate world has us well and truly by the goolies. 
Unless you are the obscenely rich and powerful every single thing you do is controlled by a banking entity. 
Try and get your work to pay you cash in hand.  It is still legal to do that but just try to get a wage packet these days.  Do you have any idea how much banks make from having all our money for the five seconds they have their boney fingers around it before we have to pay all the bills?  

To tell the absolute truth I am exhausted.  Everything exhausts me. I fall asleep tired and I wake up tired.
Is this just a phase? I have phases, ups and downs, this is just a down after an up and pretty soon I will have an up, but not in the winter, that's usually a down.... 
 I am in crisis.  An annual crisis that has hit me every year since I was a kid.  I know it is going to happen, but I pretend it's not a real "thing" and I dread it, so when it does hit, I survive by distracting myself.

So, for the past few weeks I haven't really done very much at all beyond cleaning, tidying, drawing and  creating beautiful spaces.  :)

 
my book shelves in my room....
  
My desk in my room...where I am not sitting down to write anything at all...


My coffee table in the lounge...table-scaped for the enjoyment of Scotty who is the only person who sits in our lounge...


The gallery wall inside my front door...and stresses my obsession with Gustave Klimt and his and my obsession with gold , the colour not the actual thing...and a lot of clocks...that don't work.

Fun fact...all the clocks in my house, apart from the ones attached to appliances and phones are broken.  I have a thing about broken clocks, I love them, My brother Johnny collects antique clocks, I posted pictures of  some of them on my facebook. 
I love clocks, but not if they are working, that, to me, is like watching my life tick away and I can't be arsed with that. 
Now with downs there are ups too...

I got a new car...its a cute mitsubishi colt and I loves it except my hubby and son love it more, it runs on the sniff of an oily whatzit and their man mobiles don't...
I got brand new teeth which are AMAZING. They cost more than my car.  But I did not pay for them, my darling brother Johnny, gifted them to me.  It took months and months to get them done, dentist visit after dentist visit te mea te mea te mea and took from October 2021 to April 2022 to get done...so I smile a hell of a lot now.  But I find it weird and unnatural.  To show something off that was previously a cause for shame and embarrassment is very strange, and Im not used to it....

 



Crisis, hmm, I think I am in one.  Well and itsy bitsy teeny weeny one. A baby crisis.  It is not anything anyone but myself can sort out, so, to the one person who read this, don't send me suggestions, they will all be fantastic but I am not in a place where I can take in anything really.
I am bumbling along, walking into walls...but I know it will come right..., eventually.

Lots of love
Axxx