The writer's blog

I believe that everyone should have a "room" of their own, I know sometimes that isn't possible, but, when I say a room, it doesn't have to be an actual room, but a space in the universe to call their own.  It can be large, small, physical, spiritual or mental.  

A home in a suitcase

 My mother travelled the world for years working as a Shaman/ Matakite.  She taught  people to reconnect with the earth and themselves using the wisdoms that came to her through channel.  She helped thousands of people and she became  a Guru to some, a guide for most and an aunty to all.
What she always wanted was for her students, when they were ready,  to take their own learnings out into the world and teach. She wanted the lives that she touched to go out into the world and touch others with their own stories. Ultimately, She wanted in some way to help make the world to be a better place. 
 While she was travelling she stayed in all kinds of places from healing centres to spiritual retreats, to peoples homes, to flash hotels and cabins in the middle of Greenland. 
 All she had on her travels were her suitcases. She said that when she was missing  whanau and home, she would open her cases, take everything out, fold and rearrange her belongings and then and put it all back in. 
She said that her suitcases were her home, where-ever she was in the world. 


When Mum came back to New Zealand for the European winter and our summer she would stay with her best mate, my Dad, in Wainuiomata, (noting this is more than 20 years after their divorce) and then in Himitangi Foxton, at her whanau farm, eventually, when she decided that her travelling would slow down my brother bought her a house in Otaki, a small two bedroom cottage with huge gardens, which is the house I live in now, because my brother, bought her a bigger house across the road, and my husband Scotty bought this house off him for me. 

My house is beautiful and I love it, and in it I have a room of my own.  But that's not what I'm taking about either.

Why a room?

The reason there are so few women writers and artists of note through history are many, but one of the biggest reasons is that men have wives and women who want to be writers are wives.  And, as Yates said, "You have to choose to make a perfection of life or of work...'  Which is basically that old thing,  'You can't have it all.'

Doing it despite...

I have met many women writers who write "despite" and "as well as" everything else in their lives. 
I was one of them.  Once.
Most of them do not have a supportive partner/husband/family or even take their writing seriously. 
Most have to squeeze writing into a part of the day when it is not an encumbrance to anyone else. 
Most have a 'job' on top of the more important 'job' of taking care of a family and are still trying to write. 
Most put everything and everyone else's needs before themselves and when they do take any time to write they feel guilty about it.
Most have no space in their home specifically put aside for writing.
Why?
Women and especially once they are wives and mothers on the whole are bought up and conditioned to put everyone else's needs and wants before their own.  Because not only is that the measure of a good woman it is the measure of a good person and putting yourself and your needs first is still regarded as selfish.  Also, and most importantly so, being a wife and mother is a job.

The writing study experience

When I was studying creative writing the ratio of men to women was 10 women - 1 man, when I was on 'Te Papa Tupu' the ratio of writers was 5 - 1.  Why? 
Well, from my life's experience I have garnered this theory.  A woman always needs to know she is at least 80% good at something before they will attempt it.  Men only need to know they are 20% good at something before they will make it their life's work, career, whatever.  While women disempower themselves with doubt men kick doubts out of the way and bluster on regardless. 
I am not saying this is true for everyone, but it is true for many.
Why?
There are as many answers to that as there are people on the face of the earth.  How to fix it.  Hells bells, I have no clue.  

Do as I do not as I say

I think that if you want your kids to grow up to have no limits on themselves don't put any on them.  Don't give them your advice, your fears and your doubts, and for fuck sake don't ever think you know this world better than they do.  The world they inhabit has got nothing in common with the one we did in our formative years. 
Kids are who they are when they come into the world.  Don't ever think you can mould or change them, as my late husband David used to say, "You are just pissing in the wind."

Also, don't expect your children to have to share everything that is theirs with other kids especially their siblings. 
I remember at my 4th birthday I was about to blow out my candles and another kid at the table (a cousin who will remain nameless)  blew them out before I could.  Everyone laughed, including my parents, and it crushed me.   I was four and I can still feel it. 
That was my birthday, my moment, my cake and my candles and that kid stole it from me and what was worse, my parents let them.  Someone  could have at least lit them again so I could have another blow.  But they didn't, they thought it was cute and just carried on as if nothing happened.

If you want the women you love to have boundaries; to stick up for themselves and allow themselves to take time just for them and their passions, then show them that they are allowed to have them.  Stop teaching girls that it is a positive trait to put everyone before themselves at all times.

Let them demand rooms of their own.  



Click this to read the inspiration for this...Virginia Woolf - A room of ones own