There are things that are going on that are bothering the point I think about it in the middle of the night and can't come up with any solutions, because there are no solutions, they just 'are' and I have to deal with it.  

I am awkward.

I am so f*cking awkward that navigating my way through the world is a goddamn undertaking of epic proportions.
I am so awkward that I can't even have a decent conversation with my cat...she looks at me with a "oh ffs" expression and slopes off.

As we all know, I am an artist, designer, writer, blah, blah, blah and I am alone, most of the time. 
I love being alone. 
I am introverted as f*ck and I do not get energy from hanging out with other people, instead,  I get drained like a cheap arse, made in china, battery.  Even something normal, like going out to dinner with family can mentally and emotionally cripple me for weeks. 
Being in big groups of people that I don't know is my biggest horror filled experience, right up there with Jaws the movie, and Ridley walking in on the Alien queen laying eggs.

Ironically I can go into any class room, walk out on a stage or stand at the lectern, in a lecture hall, and give a lecture, presentation or teach in a class, no problemo.  No problem at all.  I have toured teaching and lecturing here and overseas.
Why is that? 
I have no clue...none at all...but... I think it may be because when I am working, teaching, lecturing etc, I am prepared. 
 I have notes, power points and  I know every aspect of what I am doing and have planned out to the last detail, but I am also flexible enough to change what I am delivering at the drop of a hat, depending on my audience and, most importantly, I can read a room. 
So, I know  what is going to happen and it is within my control. 
How--f*cking--ever when I am out in the "real" world, surrounded by strangers, in a social free for all, with no direction, schedule or plan, I am fucked!!!! 
 I can't breathe, my heart is pounding, I can't hear anything and all I want to do is pee my pants and escape. 
Just thinking about that giving me a rash.  Just thinking about it makes me want to down a bottle of vodka.  (Yes 
I used to drink to deal with those situations...and...well...that wasn't the best solution.)

Who I am and who I think I am are apparently two very different things

the fairy houses that I would love to live in 

I am a bit obsessed (okay addicted) to watching people living in cars, vans, caravans and tiny houses.  I keep nagging my husband that our 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom cottage is too big and we need to scale down, way way down, to a tiny cabin in the woods. 
He laughs at me because he knows me, really knows me
 Yesterday he said to me.  "About 5 % of you wants to do that, the 5% that has forgotten how much you hate discomfort, using a toilet that does not flush and that you always need a space of your own away from me.  Also, I'm 6 foot fecking two, how am I going to fit in anything smaller than what we have now."
I could argue, well no I can't really, he is totally right. 
I don't do "the wild", I hate camping, and I hate being cold and uncomfortable and I hate being cramped. Also, dang it, no matter where I am, he's gotta be there too, aye.

Meritocracy...WTF No!!!!!!!!!!

We live in a meritocracy which is so much "US of A" bullshit. 
If you believe that the "haves" deserve what they have than you have to believe all the "have nots" deserve to be where they are and that is so so fucking wrong.  There is no shame in having feck all, believe me I know, being a creative is basically- for most of us -  signing up to be broke. 
This means that,  we have to wake up everyday, trying to believe in ourselves as worth while humans, who have something to offer the world ,while the capitalistic paradigm beats us down, telling us money is the only measure of success and you, yes you,  ARTIST are worthless, obviously because not only are you not worth anything, but you are a burden on others.
So, to create anything we have to, fight our way through that shit storm of shame first.
So, does this mean that the super rich, like Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and the dozens of of Russian oligarchs, who made billions off the back of the mess left by the collapse of  Soviet Communism, must be lovely, wonderful, awesome, people since they have so much money and are by these standards, better people than me or every person out there working to try and make the world a more beautiful place.

Meritocracy is so so so wrong.  You can work your goddamn arse off and not get where you want to go because most of life is luck...yeah I said it, luck. Luck is everything, when and where you were born, what social class you were born into and what colour you are, what genes you have, what encouragement you got when you were a kid...te mea te mea te mea

Besides, to succeed or fail is subjective, I count it a win to wake up in the morning and still be breathing.  


I have spent a lot of my life disappointing people...starting with my parents and working my way on down the line.  Just by being myself. 
 I have put myself out there where total strangers can comment on the shit that I do.  I have written books and other things and put them out there in the world which has left me open to be criticized, which sucks...because no matter what you believe there are people who will are violently opposed to you. 
And, as we know, on the internet you will never ever win an argument. 
Well, I got stuck in the middle of the farmers protest in Kerikeri which was a nightmare.  All around me was noise and signs calling the government communists, and saying the labour party is destroying our country blah blah blah and a lot of other things that I am violently opposed to!
But the people holding up the signs (and the traffic) and making all the noise are people too. 
Farmers have been the backbone of this Country's economy since we had an economy but farming, well, its destroying the earth. 
Yeah I said it and I have farmers in my family and they have to pay their bills to. 
But the reality of this world is it is being devastated by people going about their daily business trying to survive, and we have to do something about it...NOW.

I want to help, truly I do, but I like meat and I don't want to have to go out there with my bow and arrow and catch something to eat it.   
So, I am a hypocrite and I totally know it.  

The truth is a complex thing and I don't know what to you?