I see a horizon

July 1, 2018

My best mate, my love, my fulla :)

OMG. it has been two months since I've had the ability to touch this blog.   
I have been stuck in a black dog of depression and couldn't find the way out. 
I felt as if I was swathed in bubble wrap and I couldn't feel, hear, see, smell or taste anything but cold and grey.  I didn't have the energy to fall out of bed.  I didn't have the ability to concentrate. I couldn't create anything worthwhile.  I fully had to drag my arse through each day, moment by moment.  My longest spell of activity lasted ten minutes at the most before I had to sit down and regroup.  
Never EVER in my life has anything felt so stifling, unrelenting and heavy, like I was caught under a landslide of shingle. 
I would rather be slapped stupid into a pulverized bloody mess than endure this vat of nothingness every day.  

But now finally, FINALLY, I can see a chink in the darkness, a direction I can crawl to get the hell outta here.

What happened you ask to spiral me into hell in a hand basket. 

I don't know.  In fact I never know.   It just hits outta nowhere whether things are shit or amazing.  Its a thing I have to go through every once in a while.  It usually happens in the winter, my doctor thinks it may be a form of SAD or seasonal affective disorder.   

Good day today (Sunday 1 July 2018) driving around aimlessly with the hubby and ended
up in Waitarere Beach.  What a cool place.

I haven't snapped out of it yet but I can see the exit yay...its off in the distance and at least now I know I will get there.  

Shame...I have suffered from manic depression since I was a child and the worst thing about it is the shame and guilt I feel when I can't function.  Or worse, the aftermath of the crazy mad shit I do when I'm manic.  The shame this time was much worse, and I don't know why, I havn't done anything unforgivable lately.  I hope.  
I  locked myself away most days, hiding from the world and not wanting to see anyone except Scotty my sibs and kids.  Everyone else causes me unbelievable anxiety and I couldn't deal with it.  It's not anyone's fault, in fact its not got anything to do with what other people do, its all about me.  I get spiraling anxiety which is hard enough to live with but depression is something else altogether.  It is paralysis.    I am not dead but I feel it.  I am alive, but  in cold grey storage and every day I wake up thinking 'Oh fuck, its still here.' 

Life went on...

My guy Cobra Kai :)
he is gonna hate that
1: I took this pic and 2: I put it on my blog 

Scotty is  back in Martial Arts, something that he had always loved and it really good at, although it is a long time since he's done it.  He loves it and I am so happy that he is happy although his 40-something year old body is not being as cooperative as his 20-something body was. Also the smell of deep heat hasn't gotten any sweeter.  Reminds me of 'grassroots' rugby that I HATED watching on a Saturday morning in Wanuiomata crunching over the frosty winter grass.  YUK.
I love that he loves what he is doing, and I love that he has a place to go and hang out with similar minded people but Tamati and I are annoyed that our schedule is being upset by his selfish acts of happiness.  We simply have no idea what to do when we have to fend for ourselves.  Yeah we're pathetic.

Dumbarseness had caught me again.  I have done some really dumb things in my life, one of them was telling a group of people at my first book launch that the  book was the first in a trilogy, that stupid arse spur of the moment blab cost me about six years of my life.  My latest stupid thing is to decide I am going to have an exhibition of small art works in three months.  The reason I blurt these things out is so that I am forced to do them. 
Nothing gets me motivated faster than being caught in an act of bullshit-ery :)
So I am doing a narrative of art and words...I actually don't know how this is all gonna work out, but my Dad said I'm good at drawing and so-like the guy on american idol who told the panel his Mama said he could sing -  I am gonna believe my father and get on with it :)  

My baby sister Lynda  just turned 50. 
 My brother Johnny had just brought her a string of pearls and a black pearl on a gold chain at auction for her birthday. 
Here is a story.  Many many years ago my late husband David and I brought Lynda a ring in Singapore, it was 24 carat gold (I think) with a black pearl and a white pearl...she lost it,  
My brother Johnny and brother in law brought her house off her 4 years ago to renovate.  Well, my brother in law Robbie just  found that ring, in the ring box, under the carpet in her old wardrobe.  My brother was able to give her the pearls and my pearl ring at the same time and they matched. 
I mean that is WOW freaky. 

Lynda showing off her ring on her 'Kai Maori'
cooking live demo...risotto, roasted chicken and rapid rise buns

That didn't get me out of getting her a birthday present though :)

Nathan Astwood aka Naffa  my son has left the building...not only the building but the safety of Te Ika a Maui, the north island to move down SOUTH to feck'n Timaru.  I know it is a huge opportunity for him and we wants to move there but geez.  Timaru feels further away than when he moved to Melbourne or even Perth.  
As far as I am concerned he still looks like this...


Although he is 36 and looks like this...

My darling eldest son whom I adore so much it is 
embarrassing, and probably the reason he moved away
 "why you leeeeeeeeeeeave me!!!!!!!!!!!!"
*pulls self together*

Right now I am not tying myself up in any work that will stress me out.  This is a no stress environment apart from the stress trapped in here already.  It does drive me a bit stir crazy not having stuff to do.  I almost volunteered for a job today that I shouldn't have and I regret willy-nilly throwing out offers.
Thank God my daughter Jenna-Rose said 'No,' to me.  The thing is, I don't want to start something for someone and not finish the job to my usual standards which are stupidly high I have to say.  Id rather do nothing and not disappoint anyone, especially myself. 

But I have been thinking of starting a project.  These are the Taniwha and hineAtua on my gift cards.  I am going to get envelopes for them and make a tiny book explaining the stories of the images to go with the cards.  And put them together in gift boxes.  I think they deserve better than a cellophane bag, they are precious.

Jenna-Rose - Joy and freedom                          Ana - Fierce protector

Janice -   Potential                                             Lynda -   Inspiration

Alia -  focus and hard work                                Maiara -   dreams can come true

So I am really excited about that....

I guess it's time to leave...bubyes...
Love Oliviaxxxx



Alone in the dark...

May 9, 2018
Now it is time to return to the joyful task of writing.  I use the term "joyful task" of writing in its widest form as there was a lot of joy, interlaced with a fair portion of angst, loads of self doubt,hysteria, laughs (alone in a dark room) and rewrites, many, many, many rewrites.   
Then of course there are loads more self doubt which can morph into self hatred and then veers right off in the other direction where I imagine myself  the greatest writer who every lived (that lasts a couple o...

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When everyone around you is AMAZING!!!!!!!!

May 6, 2018

My book launch was wickedly fantastic.  Thank you to everyone who came.
My contribution was my famous (in my own mind) onion tart, ham quiche and turkish chicken kebabs (which didn't make it to my side of the room where I was signing books), a feeble speech (as I lost my notes about ten minutes before I had to get up to the lectern) said with "rabbit in the headlights" animation (Luckily my dad laughed at my jokes.) and a reading which was squinty at best as I forgot my glasses.  Also carpel t...

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I have stuff to say ...

March 31, 2018

Today feels like the end of a very long, winding, tiring journey.  I am very tired.  Shagged out tired.  The kind of tired that people get when they just fall on the ground and groan 'Noooooooo I can't go any further.  Save yourselves...'  

Thread through the Whariki
I wrote three good books and all three will soon be out there in the Universe doing their thing,  I'm happy about that.  I hope other people will be happy when they read them, especially the last one. 
It's a fast read, with dialogu...
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March 12, 2018
My new rules for my life.

  • In every situation do the right thing and if you can't, do the kind thing.
  • If your name is going to appear on anything make sure "you" are the one to make the last decision on it.
  • Say no when you don't want to do something and be okay about changing your mind, even if it is at the last minute.
  • Remember to eat.
  • When life is scary bed is the best place to be.

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February 3, 2018

Me, last night, trying to look clever yet friendly...
it didn't work :)

Finally, finally the last book of the trilogy is done, finito, ka mutu.  'Thread through the Whāriki' 
It has been a loooooooooooooooooong process.  A lot fecking longer than I thought it was going to be. 
This book was a lesson in focus, trust and the ability to know when I am writing complete crap and make myself rewrite...rewrite...rewrite without feeling like a complete and utter failure. 
Tying up the ends of a lot of ...

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Stay'n alive stay'n alive, I, I, I, I'm stay'n aliiiiiiii - hold the note until you pass out - iiiiiive...

November 14, 2017

Hello there, I loves me some beegees :)

My cousin Trevania (lovely lass, amazing singer and beautiful inside and out) met Barry Gibb, the remaining BeeGee when he was staying at the Huka lodge.  She was his Kai Karanga at a Powhiri.  He wore a Kahu Kiwi and said he could feel his brothers with him when he walked on.

I haven't felt like doing much besides being in the garden, reading and writing lately.  I know my housework is piling up around me (it's not, I'm a bit of an obsessive about tidine...

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I'm a Genius - I have a certificate and everything :)

October 19, 2017

Hello, is anybody out there, yoo hoo :)
have had move ups and downs than the springs in a honeymoon night mattress.  I havn't been feeling that great.  Then I had a few blackouts, like alcohol ones but without the alcohol. 
After an incident at the beginning of the year when I was hanging a shower curtain and woke up on the floor with no memory of what happened in between.  I kept zoning out more and more often, and not in a good way, I'd wake up standing in the kitchen,...
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The Dilemma of names "Till we Kissed" - "The Eldest Girl"

September 9, 2017

On all the marketing up to and including the launch of the Book "Pikihuia 12" my story was called "Till we Kissed" - In the Book it is called  "The eldest girl" and this is why...

When I was a kid I picked up a copy of a book called "A Canterbury Tale". Now imagine my surprise when it was not the series of bawdy rambunctious stories by Chaucer but a modern story of a voyeuristic grown man, who would spy on a pubescent couple, who would sneak down to the shed in the bottom of his garden, to "c...

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Things they don't tell ya about...being a wrinkly!!!

August 25, 2017

Photo taken right now..I am so lucky,  my Father has the best skin in the world.  At 80 something he looks a little bit older than me.  So Im hoping that my face will be in STASIS until I kark it. 

I am about to turn 55 years old on October the 9th.  On the day I was born, in 1962, Uganda became independent within the Commonwealth of Nations and still had the delights of Idi Amin to look forward too.

AGE is not about what you look like, it's what happens to the rest of ya.  No one tells you tha...

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 The Selfie collection
I have now disclosed my obsession with myself hahaha Actually these are photos I've taken over the last two years when I've felt so bloody sick I wanted to, literally, be asleep all the time.  
Instead I slapped on some lippy and took a pic of myself.  
Click pics for exciting *yawn* fun facts.

I just realised from the pics I have like three outfits.

Not good at keeping a diary, my brain is a bit too random but will have a decent go at it.   

About Me

Olivia Giles Kia ora everyone, I am Olivia, I am a writer, and an artist, welcome to my hectic mad world.